I talk about it a lot, but after my third son was born, I realized how miserable and exhausted I was.
At work, I would end the week feeling like I had just stepped off a hamster wheel – tirelessly answering emails, putting out fires, fighting a never-ending task list, only to start again on Monday.
At home, I felt like I was failing. Our house was a disaster; our laundry pile was miles high, and the sink was always full of dishes, dirty baby bottles, and who knows what else.
No matter how hard I worked or how late I stayed up to tackle things, it all seemed to implode and happen again the next day, if not within hours. I was overwhelmed, frustrated, and, if I’m being honest, resentful of my husband (who seemed clueless to my inner turmoil) and my kids (who loved to make messes, even though it was what they should do – being kids).
Talking with other moms, whether my clients or my friends, I know that this struggle is a common thing we face. No wonder many of us sometimes enjoy work more - we feel like we are able to control what we’ve accomplished, and when we finish something, it STAYS FINISHED. No toddlers are running through our office shredding a report we just spent hours on or deleting the presentation we just prepared.
Unless you are like I was, working from home full-time – then I totally get you. Those were some tough years. Ha!
I remember the mom guilt being strong at that point. I felt like I was failing as a corporate employee, failing as a mom, and failing as a wife. I was trying to keep up with everything on my own because that’s just what we are supposed to do, right? Moms just handle it, right?
Wow, was I wrong.
I can’t remember the exact breaking point – if it was just one poop explosion from the diaper up the back too many, or waking up to a giant room-filled couch fort in the living room that I was up late cleaning the night before - but something in me shifted.
I realized I couldn’t live this way anymore. And I didn’t want to. Something had to give.
Who wants to be the angry mom who is always cleaning and picking up messes? Who wants to tirelessly clean only to have no one realize how much work you do in a day? That tired, stressed, and burned-out mom isn’t fun for anyone, especially not ourselves.
The Mindset Shift: Letting Go of Perfection and Control
The shift in my mindset started in 2017 when my youngest was one year old, but it continued for years after that. On this journey to find harmony and meaning in my life and ultimately rediscover my identity beyond “mommy,” there have been many ups and downs.
One of the biggest shifts I had, which I didn’t realize was a shift until after speaking with other moms, was my shift around the house cleaning. As the breadwinner of the house, as well as the main caregiver for our kids, I knew I couldn’t keep doing it alone. I needed help, but we couldn’t afford to hire a house cleaner.
That’s when I realized I had four other people in the house with two hands and two feet each. I didn’t need to hire a house cleaner; we just needed to work as a team.
Of course, this wasn’t an easy shift to make. If you’re like me, and I think many moms tend to be (although let me know if I’m wrong!), when your kids or husband “helps,” you tend to get frustrated at their inability to do it the “right way.”
I remember my husband trying to help do dishes or fold the kids’ laundry, and it would drive me crazy. Many times, I would restack the dishes in the dishwasher or refold the laundry, only to put it back in the drawers. I would add this extra time to my day when the chore was already done.
Did it really make a difference for me to add those extra steps? Absolutely not.
Before I could really embrace the team mindset in household chores, I first needed to let go of this need to do things “perfect.” That became a motto in my house, which is now also in my business—embrace progress, not perfection. After all, is anyone really perfect? I think we try to be, but it is human nature to make mistakes. What would I be teaching my kids if I constantly felt the need for this perfection?
I needed to let it go.
Starting Small – Empowering My Kids to Help
Once I could embrace the mindset of progress over perfection and let go of the need to control how the chores were done, it became a lot easier. Thankfully, we started this shift in our homes when the kids were young. They were excited to help – it made them feel good to be in charge of something!
As toddlers, the chores were small – clean up toys, organize their coloring area, and put finished dishes in the sink. Yes, we had to help them out of high chairs, but they were happy to run with their empty plate and throw it in the sink. (Yes, we used plastic plates back then … my oldest literally would throw the plate in)
As they grew, they could take on more “big boy” chores. My oldest was washing his laundry before he turned ten years old. They vacuum, dust, and mop. Sometimes, they argue over which chore they’d prefer to do—like when I bought them a new duster. Everyone wanted to be the one using the new duster each week.
Of course, I tried to teach them how to fold “properly” and load the dishwasher “right,” but eventually, I gave up. I don’t even look at my youngest son’s drawers anymore. Just the sight of those bunched-up clothes would cause me anxiety! He doesn’t care if his clothes are wrinkled, torn, or even if they have holes in them. He wears them anyway and isn’t phased by how they look.
Now, we have a list on the fridge, and everyone in the house contributes to checking it off on a regular basis. Don’t get me wrong—some days, we are TERRIBLE at getting everything checked off. Some weeks, we don’t even make it halfway through. Other weeks, we get a lot done—although I don’t think we have ever checked it off 100%.
But that’s another lesson about life, isn’t it?
We are teaching our kids that it’s okay not to be perfect. We do our best, given the energy and time we have. The idea is that everything gets done eventually, even if it doesn’t get done every single week or day.
Today, My Kids Take On Decluttering Projects of Their Own
What’s the outcome I didn’t expect from having my kids help with the chores, starting as toddlers?
For one thing, they are more considerate around the house. They still leave garbage on the floor and make a mess out of the living room (they are growing into teenage boys, after all…), but they also know to take responsibility for the mess when we tell them it’s time to clean up.
Don’t get me wrong – we still hear complaining in the house! Even after putting dishes in the sink for years, they sometimes still forget. (like how?!) But we gently remind them, and they have no problem returning to the table to put their dish in the sink and rinse it off.
Last week, they even surprised us! Our spare bedroom has been their “playroom” for years. I have meant to tackle the room and remove their old toys and books that haven’t been played with in a couple of years, but the project would take hours, and I just haven’t had the energy (or desire) to start.
I didn’t have to!
Last week, without being asked, the three of them decided it was time to clear out old stuff from the area. They wanted to be able to play with their fuse ball table and set up an area to “hang out.” So, the three of them got started. After roughly three hours, they all came out excited for me and my husband to check out their new space.
They did an amazing job. They vacuumed, removed garbage and broken old toys, and boxed up everything they felt was no longer needed. They agreed as a group on what was okay to donate or throw out and didn’t ask my husband and me to get involved.
I was blown away.
It’s my hope that my boys will become considerate, helpful partners and parents when it is their turn. I truly believe that empowering them to take on responsibility for household chores helps them grow into that future. I no longer feel mom guilt for having them help—I’m so proud of the young men they are becoming!
You Don’t Have to Do It All!
If you’re a busy, working parent like my husband and I, I highly recommend considering how your kids can help around the house. It is not only a relief for us to have extra hands helping keep things up, but it is also a great life lesson for your kids to be responsible and considerate when living with others.
Again, you will have to learn to let go of control and perfection!
My kids would stop helping if I got too involved or tried to control how they were doing the chores. Instead, I would give them the rules on how to do it (i.e. don’t just throw clean clothes in a pile on the floor; they go in the drawers) and then let them figure out the rest. Of course, sometimes they would come with questions, which is when I was allowed to show them more detailed instructions, but I wouldn’t push if they wanted to figure it out for themselves.
I have seen many printables showing what chores are recommended for different age groups, so feel free to check those out. I used them as a rough guideline when we were starting out.
Some tips to try:
Start with small steps, especially when they are young. As I said, my kids started as toddlers, but we didn’t have them washing laundry and using the dishwasher at that age. We focused on easy tasks they could complete alone – like putting toys back into bins, putting dirty clothes in the hamper, putting their dish into the sink (using plastic!), etc.
Try out reward systems if you think they’ll help. We tried to get into the sticker chart method, and we even tried buying a fancy magnetic one. That didn’t stick for us. Instead, a simple checkbox list they could put an “x” on was all they needed to get motivated to check things off. However, we do have a rule in the house that likely helps – no computer time until chores are done. So, that in itself is a bit of a reward system.
Check out chore recommendations for different age groups. As I said, when we first started, I constantly looked at the printables and articles about appropriate chores for different age groups. I didn’t use them as strict rules but more as guidelines. You know your kids best, so try what you think will work.
Give them choices. The easiest way we found to get kids involved was to give them options for what they would clean. That’s why we love the checklist on the fridge—they pick what chores they each do. As long as the chores are done, my husband and I don’t mind who does what. Many times, all three boys tackle the chores together—like unloading the dishwashing and folding their laundry. They feel it helps them get it done faster.
Do it as a family. In our house, we have a “house cleaning day.” Every Sunday, we look at the weekly chore list and choose which chores need to be done before the new week begins. We turn on some music, and all five of us start cleaning. We are usually done within the hour, and the music and teamwork make it more enjoyable. And since we do it every Sunday, it’s now a routine, and they do it without complaint.
Allow learning and imperfection. As I mentioned, when I tried to control how my kids did the chores too much, they would want to quit and not come back. Instead, I give them the basic rules, like “do not pile clean clothes on the floor,” and then let them ask questions if they get stuck. Letting them figure it out without micromanagement seems to work best.
I hope some of these tips help! Comment below which tip you will try or if you have tips to share with others.
If you’d like to be part of a community with others striving to find joy, fulfillment, and peace on their way to achieving their dream life, check out my free online Quest For Harmony Community. Each week, I share affirmations, reflection questions, and mini-challenges to gain momentum!
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